June 18, 2012 by Kristen
This post is inspired by a conversation with my brother about sabotaging relationships. I was talking about some girls who I endearingly refer to as “crazy-town,” and the things that they do when they’re in relationships. So, if you’re in a relationship and don’t want to just kill it off slowly or amicably break it off with a mature conversation—I would like to recommend that you simply go to crazy-town as fast as possible. It’ll totally work. And if it doesn’t drive the person away…well, you’ve got bigger problems than I’m qualified to deal with.
1. First, text the following: “Hey, it’s me. Just wondering what you’re doing.” Within 1 minute of that text, send the following: “Where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing?” Follow up 1 minute later with a voicemail [eww. a voicemail.] “Hey, I’m not sure if you got my texts, but I was just wondering where you were.” Do all of this at regular intervals between 4:00-5:00 am.
2. Make every song “your” song. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Like, Rhihanna’s “Where Have You Been” is from that one time where you didn’t know where he/she was between 4-5 am. You should also insist that he or she remember every memory associated with that particular song, without you even telling him/her that it’s “your” song. Get violently upset when the person insists that you’re nuts.
3. Following up with the song thing, maintain a running log of how long you’ve been together and keep the person constantly updated. If you can snag his/her phone, program the calendar with an event every.single.day. Example: “3 week anniversary XOXO” The next day, “3 weeks + 1 day anniversary! <3” So on and so forth, culminating with: “4 week anniversary–time for a proposal! j/k lol?”
4. Talk about marriage all the time, using the phrase YOLO. Actually, using the phrase YOLO is enough to doom any relationship. Additionally, join Pinterest and start pinning things to a board labeled “My Future Wedding with So-and-So.” YIKES. If you’re a guy, this would be significantly more phenomenal.
5. Use horrible pet names. I’m not talking about the typical gag-worthy nicknames like “babe” and “pudding.” Try using super off-putting names like “Mein Führer,” or as early on as possible in the relationship refer to the other person as “wifey” or “hubby.” That should do it.
6. Speak in third person.
7. Plan excessive “couples” activities. Civil War reenactments every other weekend. Prepare for the impending zombie apocalypse. Take an etiquette course. Get bone marrow removed for a compatibility test. Go house hunting for a home “big enough for you & your future family,” then go look at newborn babies at the hospital.
If you do one or more of these things, you will be on the next flight out to Crazy-town. Let’s just hope he/she doesn’t try to join you…