November 4, 2011 by Kristen
First of all, you’re probably wondering why the title of this blog is an interrogative sentence…shouldn’t it be declarative?
99.9% of the American populous has probably uttered this statement. But do we really know why Nickelback sucks? Are we content to express our disdain in a mere two-word phrase, without pausing to think about the criteria for being terrible at one’s chosen profession?
First, let’s see what criteria must be met to say someone or something “sucks”. Then we’ll see if Nickelback actually qualifies.
1. It is not good.
2. It causes profound unhappiness.
3. There is no foreseeable improvement to the person or thing.
1. What makes a good band? Quality lyrics, unique sound and instrumentals, great vocals, originality–just to name a a few things.
This first criteria is interesting, because let’s get one thing straight: Nickelback is not bad. They are just painfully not good. Their songs consist of generic lyrics such as: “Kim’s the first girl I kissed, I was so nervous that I nearly missed.” and “The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap, we’ll all stay skinny cuz we just won’t eat.” Mediocre. Predictable end rhymes. What puzzles me is that Nickelback’s level of fame should be directly proportional to their average-ness–but it is not. They’ve sold millions of records. Who is buying these records?! It just doesn’t make sense. Also, when Chad Kroeger sings, it often sounds like he’s gargling gravel.
2. Well, people were unhappy enough to create the Facebook page, “Can this pickle get more fans than Nickelback?” And of course, it did. Also, there is currently an internet petition to have the Detroit Lions replace Nickelback as the halftime show for the Thanksgiving game. Quote from said petition: “This is completely unfair to those of us who purchased tickets to the game. At least the people watching at home can mute their TVs. The Lions ought to think about their fans before choosing such an awful band to play at halftime.” I would say this counts as proof of profound unhappiness.
3. Finally, are there any improvements on the horizon? Not when year after year, every song sounds exactly.the.same.
So in answer to the main question…yes, Nickelback sucks. It’s not just opinion–it’s science. Canada, take responsibility for Nickelback. And we’ll own up* to Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan…deal?
So do you agree with my assessment?
*I do need to own up to two things: I have one Nickelback song in my itunes library and I enjoy listening to it when I work out. Also, I have engaged in a sit down conversation with Chad Kroeger. Well, I was introduced and listened/smiled & nodded appropriately while he talked to the person I was with. But still. I am a terrible person for writing this post. I almost feel bad about it.
**My blog is not afraid to tackle the hard-hitting issues.