Nickelback sucks?

17

November 4, 2011 by Kristen

First of all, you’re probably wondering why the title of this blog is an interrogative sentence…shouldn’t it be declarative?
Nickelback sucks.

99.9% of the American populous has probably uttered this statement. But do we really know why Nickelback sucks? Are we content to express our disdain in a mere two-word phrase, without pausing to think about the criteria for being terrible at one’s chosen profession?

First, let’s see what criteria must be met to say someone or something “sucks”. Then we’ll see if Nickelback actually qualifies.

1. It is not good.
2. It causes profound unhappiness.
3. There is no foreseeable improvement to the person or thing.

1. What makes a good band? Quality lyrics, unique sound and instrumentals, great vocals, originality–just to name a a few things.
This first criteria is interesting, because let’s get one thing straight: Nickelback is not bad.  They are just painfully not good. Their songs consist of generic lyrics such as: “Kim’s the first girl I kissed, I was so nervous that I nearly missed.” and “The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap, we’ll all stay skinny cuz we just won’t eat.” Mediocre. Predictable end rhymes. What puzzles me is that Nickelback’s level of fame should be directly proportional to their average-ness–but it is not. They’ve sold millions of records. Who is buying these records?! It just doesn’t make sense. Also, when Chad Kroeger sings, it often sounds like he’s gargling gravel.

2. Well, people were unhappy enough to create the Facebook page, “Can this pickle get more fans than Nickelback?” And of course, it did. Also, there is currently an internet petition to have the Detroit Lions replace Nickelback as the halftime show for the Thanksgiving game. Quote from said petition: “This is completely unfair to those of us who purchased tickets to the game. At least the people watching at home can mute their TVs. The Lions ought to think about their fans before choosing such an awful band to play at halftime.” I would say this counts as proof of profound unhappiness.

3. Finally, are there any improvements on the horizon? Not when year after year, every song sounds exactly.the.same.

So in answer to the main question…yes, Nickelback sucks. It’s not just opinion–it’s science. Canada, take responsibility for Nickelback. And we’ll own up* to Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan…deal?

So do you agree with my assessment? 

*I do need to own up to two things: I have one Nickelback song in my itunes library and I enjoy listening to it when I work out. Also, I have engaged in a sit down conversation with Chad Kroeger. Well, I was introduced and listened/smiled & nodded appropriately while he talked to the person I was with. But still. I am a terrible person for writing this post. I almost feel bad about it.

**My blog is not afraid to tackle the  hard-hitting issues.

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17 thoughts on “Nickelback sucks?

  1. Nick Cucco says:

    Sincerest apologies for defiling your blog with a Nickelback link, but this shows one of the many reasons they are a stain on the tapestry of rock and roll history, and a disgrace to all people named “Nick”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2pXfAK8r1k

    Also, Pickleback > Nickelback

  2. G Fresh says:

    This post is genius. GENIUS I SAY!!! Brb, gonna go Tweet this. 🙂

  3. Paul Kitti says:

    gargling gravel. hehe.

  4. This post is beautiful. No, wait. It’s BEAUTIFUL. It’s all-caps BEAUTIFUL because it contains the truthiest truth ever truthified. “Nickelback sucks” isn’t an opinion; it’s a law, like gravity, conservation of mass, or the 1:00am closure time of putt-putt golf courses in Detroit ( http://www.dumblaws.com/law/1521 ). The Law of Nickelback Sucks is necessary for a civilized society to function.

    You know what really scares me? Nickelback is the second best-selling foreign act in the U.S. in the 2000s, behind only the Beatles. If ever I wanted Wikipedia to be lying, it’s right now.

    Also courtesy of Wikipedia: Coldplay’s Chris Martin thinks Nickelback is “great”.

    • Kristen says:

      I saw a youtube video where Chris Martin was speaking out against Nickleback haters. Coldplay is one of those bands people feel strongly for or against…

  5. It’s a nostalgia thing for a generation of hair band loving adults. Like a wormhole forms as soon as their song comes on and sucks you back into the 80’s where you are instantly young and cool again. It’s really kind of sad and I almost got sucked in when they first came on the scene but then remembered very quickly that I have good taste in music and Nickelback makes my ears bleed.

  6. JB Maddawg says:

    Well, I for one, am appalled. When football fans wanted to replace the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving, everyone caved and let them play anyway, like the younger brother nobody wants on the big boy team. I say, let Nickleback play! Because if we don’t, trust me, we’ll all be forced to watch the Jonas Brothers or worse, a Spice Girls reunion. Besides, I kinda like Rockstar.

    • Kristen says:

      I had to laugh that not too long ago, Detroit fans would have had no room to complain and Nickelback playing at a big game would have made perfect sense

  7. Mandie Marie says:

    Nickelback is from Alberta. I am from Ontario. I need not take any responsibility for this atrocity. So THERE.

    • Kristen says:

      So is there a hierarchy to Canadian provinces? Is Alberta worse than Saskatchewan? What about the Yukon? This is intriguing.

      You all could just cede those unwanted provinces to us. Americans ❤ land. We are itching to manifest destiny all up in Canada.

  8. Chris says:

    What’s the one Nickelback song in your rotation?

  9. You had me at “Nickelback sucks.”

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