August 4, 2011 by Kristen

We all have dealbreakers. Those characteristics of a potential love-interest, that once noticed, make us suddenly have to “wash our hair”* every Saturday night from now until eternity. Here are a few of mine. Sadly, many are from firsthand experience.


  1.  Favorite bands are Creed, Nickelback, and Three Doors Down.
  2. “I don’t like war movies. I just can’t stand the blood.”
    Band of Brothers marathon tonight?–oh. you rented Up & want to snuggle.** Which leads me to…
  3.  Attracted to men.
    Surprisingly not a deal-breaker for some women, but I don’t think I could overlook this one. Sometimes I appreciate being told I “look nice,” when in reality I’m a hot mess. A sassy gay-friend will call you out everytime.
  4.  Cat person.
    This isn’t that big of a deal–I just don’t like cats and would intentionally torment any cat within a 5 foot radius of my person.
  5.  Bench-presses less than I can.
    It would be nice to think that a guy could protect me if push came to shove. Literally. Like if a fight broke out.
  6. Mouth-breathing, side-hugger.
    I have not encountered this combination together in one person–but can you imagine? The horror.
  7. Asks me to define words or beseeches me not to “use such big words.”
    Get a dictionary. You can start by looking up “beseech.” 
  8. Likes to play Monopoly.
    This one might be unfair. I just loathe Monopoly with every fiber of my being. I would prefer not to pass go and  literally head straight to jail. I’m confident that purgatory is one never-ending game of Monopoly.
  9. Muscle tee, gold chain, and uses phrases like, “come at me, bro.”
    Just can’t overcome that language/cultural barrier
  10. Uses your/you’re, too/to/two, and their/there/they’re interchangeably.
    Grammar is sexy.
  11. Jean shorts.
    Unless paired with New Balances & a tucked in polo. Hawt.
  12. Tweets pictures of every meal.
    Personal preference on this one. Oh, you’re a chef? Then maybe it’s cool. 
  13. PBR drinking hipster.
    Well maybe I could like a hipster. Ironically, of course.
  14. Judges me for watching The Bachelor/ette
    I promise I’m not shallow.
Any I missed?

*How did this even become an excuse? No one ever says this. Ever.

** This is quite nice on occasion.


17 thoughts on “Dealbreakers.

  1. Mandie Marie says:


  2. Tom says:

    First off, the Urban dictionary page titled, “Nickelback sucks” –

    And secondly, #10 rings true for us all unless “their” an idiot.

    • Kristen says:

      “probably the worst band in the world right now.” ha ha ha. I feel guilty because I met Chad Kroeger once b/c my ex-boyfriend was Canadian and knew him (Canadians stick together). He was really very nice.

  3. ha ha! Love the deal breakers! Especially Number 2 and 9!

  4. In fairness to us hopelessly skinny guys, being able to handle yourself in a fight isn’t necessarily tied to brute strength. Self-defense tends to teach more about leverage than strength because everybody — even skinny people! — can leverage leverage.

    But, to borrow Mandie’s vocabulary: definite high-fives for Band of Brothers.

  5. love number 10! 🙂

  6. Looking over the list again…I’m fully on board with #8, but I’d add Risk, too. I like games, but Risk isn’t a game. I don’t know exactly what it is, but it isn’t a game. Games are fun, and Risk isn’t fun.

    • Kristen says:

      Risk is terrible. This coming from a girl who loves war movies…I foolishly played it once thinking it would be fun. Thank you for bringing this up this important addition.

  7. a.w. marks says:

    Love the blog.

    I only have one guy friend who likes Creed — any girlfriend of mine best remain musically pure. Said friend knows how I feel about it. Shaky ground. Shaky ground.

    Alas, I could make a solid run at passing the first thirteen. I could try faking fourteen for an amazing woman, but who am I kidding? I’m not beyond cuddling on the couch to the Bachelor, simultaneously biting my tongue. Call me disingenuous.

  8. G Fresh says:

    What if you are just a pet person in general? You definitely prefer dogs, but you have cats because that’s all that’s allowed at your apartment. Because other than that one, I’m in like Flynn. ;oD

    • Kristen says:

      negotiable. Just remember the whole reserving the right to “intentionally torment any cat within a 5 foot radius of my person”—so…it would really depend on your depth of love for your satanic critter and any ties you might have with PETA.

      • G Fresh says:

        Define “torment”. I regularly douse the two of them with a squirt bottle in futile attempts to impose my will, but that only lasts for as long as it takes them to clean themselves.

        Also I beat them regularly for not being dogs.*

        *I’m Michael Vick and I approve this comment.

  9. G Fresh says:

    Also, regarding #8; how do you feel about Scrabble and/or Words With Friends?

    • Kristen says:

      Having a BA in English, I should be better at Scrabble than I am. I haven’t gotten on board the Words With Friends bandwagon for this reason. However, I am a Scattergories champion & I will get inappropriately heated if someone tries to pull shenanigans when playing…

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