Married People Problems


August 2, 2011 by Kristen

My sister recently got married and sometimes she makes comments to which my reply is often:

“married people problems.”

Based on keen observation of the married people I know (including married couples on television who I pretty much know, never mind the fictionality of their characters and the scripted-ness of their “real-life” issues), here is a list I’ve composed  of common “married people problems”—

  • Searching several stores for a specific Tupperware vegetable tray, because if the vegetables are not cut up nicely and readily available in the specific tray, the only viable snackage option is deferred to peanut M&M’s. Obviously.
  • Choosing which kind of dog to get. He wants an Alaskan Husky, she wants something…less husky. Preferably in the 10-20lb. range. (She will win…or she will be “tired.” A lot.)
  • Baby, being married to you is making me fat!” Yes, it’s the institution of marriage that is making you gain weight. Atkins can’t help with that. And since divorce isn’t an option, you have quite the conundrum.
  • Confusing Facebook pictures. In what can be seen as the ultimate act of affection, married couples don’t have a picture of themselves as their profile picture…nope, it’s their spouse. Just their spouse. And isn’t she the most beautiful woman in the world? (If you’re not a newlywed, please don’t do this. And certainly do not label it “my lovely bride.” It makes me want to “like” it just so I can “unlike” it two seconds later. Mark Zuckerberg, give the people a “dislike” button already!)
  • Passive-aggressive jokes about pants. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re having a nice conversation with a married couple and some idiot quips, “Oh, I guess I know who wears the pants in your relationship.” Ha ha ha—silence. Responses: “Well, someone has to!” or, “I wear the pants, but she picks them out.” You make your awkward exit to avoid the power struggle that is about to unfold in front of you.
  • IKEA.
  • The man’s cargo shorts are now holders for: lipstick, wallet, sunglasses, etc. The best thing about marriage is that the man becomes a human-purse. However, I think there is a more serious issue here: since when does saying “I do” make it okay to wear cargo shorts??
  • Using the bathroom with the door open. Some argue, “Oh, we’re just that close. It’s no big deal.” No. It’s not okay. No one should be that close. Keep the mystery alive, people.
These are just a few things I have noticed. However, as more friends walk down the aisle and I continue to up my dosage of  romantic comedies to numb the dull ache of being alone–I will continue my exploration into the unique “problems” plaguing those living happily ever after.

The opinions in this post are meant to be satirical and in no way are intended to depict a negative view of marriage. I merely like to exploit certain observations for the sake of a blog post. Summer classes are done. I’ve got some extra time on my hands.

2 thoughts on “Married People Problems

  1. Mandie Marie says:

    Knox McCoy told me we should be friends. With this post alone, I am convinced he is right. I am the only unmarried sibling in my family, and I understand this. So much. I would like to add “Mayonnaise choice” to this list. My bro and sis in law fight constantly about Hellmans vs Miracle Whip. It hasn’t occurred to them that they can buy both. Married People Problems.

  2. You are too funny! 🙂 I really enjoyed reading this…a lot of truth to it! ha ha

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