August 2, 2011 by Kristen
My sister recently got married and sometimes she makes comments to which my reply is often:
“married people problems.”
Based on keen observation of the married people I know (including married couples on television who I pretty much know, never mind the fictionality of their characters and the scripted-ness of their “real-life” issues), here is a list I’ve composed of common “married people problems”—
- Searching several stores for a specific Tupperware vegetable tray, because if the vegetables are not cut up nicely and readily available in the specific tray, the only viable snackage option is deferred to peanut M&M’s. Obviously.
- Choosing which kind of dog to get. He wants an Alaskan Husky, she wants something…less husky. Preferably in the 10-20lb. range. (She will win…or she will be “tired.” A lot.)
- “Baby, being married to you is making me fat!” Yes, it’s the institution of marriage that is making you gain weight. Atkins can’t help with that. And since divorce isn’t an option, you have quite the conundrum.
- Confusing Facebook pictures. In what can be seen as the ultimate act of affection, married couples don’t have a picture of themselves as their profile picture…nope, it’s their spouse. Just their spouse. And isn’t she the most beautiful woman in the world? (If you’re not a newlywed, please don’t do this. And certainly do not label it “my lovely bride.” It makes me want to “like” it just so I can “unlike” it two seconds later. Mark Zuckerberg, give the people a “dislike” button already!)
- Passive-aggressive jokes about pants. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re having a nice conversation with a married couple and some idiot quips, “Oh, I guess I know who wears the pants in your relationship.” Ha ha ha—silence. Responses: “Well, someone has to!” or, “I wear the pants, but she picks them out.” You make your awkward exit to avoid the power struggle that is about to unfold in front of you.
- The man’s cargo shorts are now holders for: lipstick, wallet, sunglasses, etc. The best thing about marriage is that the man becomes a human-purse. However, I think there is a more serious issue here: since when does saying “I do” make it okay to wear cargo shorts??
- Using the bathroom with the door open. Some argue, “Oh, we’re just that close. It’s no big deal.” No. It’s not okay. No one should be that close. Keep the mystery alive, people.