August 1, 2011 by Kristen
I have compiled a list of men that I would marry in a heartbeat, should the following criteria be met:
(a) I actually meet them.
(b) They find me attractive & charming.
(c) They are not married and/or engaging in an intense bromance. I can’t compete with that.
(d) They do not have the personality of Spencer Pratt.
Since it’s likely I’ll meet a lot of famous people who want to marry me, it’s important to have my list ahead of time & stick to it. Rash decisions never turn out well. (See K-Fed and Britney)
The Gents. In no particular order:
1. Dave Matthews.
While I’m not exactly physically attracted to Dave Matthews (that’s not important, right?) and he is a little old… I have the biggest talent crush on him. And before you pull a Daniel Tosh and say Dave Matthews Band sucks–well, consider this: Dave Matthews Band does not suck. Boom.
Now certain lifestyle choices of his could pose a conflict of interest, but hey–whatever you gotta do to keep creating the ear candy? I just want the free concert tickets. So, essentially, I’d be marrying him so I could follow him around like a groupie without all the stigma that comes with being a groupie.
Dave proposes: “What Would You Say”? Well, there’s “So Much to Say,” but I would cooly respond with a “Yes, I’m your ‘Dream Girl’–‘Pantala Naga Pampa‘” (That’s Dave-speak for “Yes!” or “Let’s get high”…not sure which. Might need to figure that out.)
2. Valtteri Filppula
Or as I lovingly call him, “Val” or “Fil” because we’re tight like that. We are destined because:
a. We’re both Finnish so his mother would love me. (I would make her karjalanpiiraat. Yum, right? Of course, I would naturally pick up the language because things like that are genetic.)
b. He plays for the Red Wings and I love the Red Wings.
c. He is awesome at hockey and I like awesome hockey players.
Done and done.
True story: In the summer of 2008 I went to the Red Wings Stanley Cup Parade in the Dirty D with a sign that read, “Marry Me, Valtteri.” While he did not witness my proposal himself, his fiancée gave me the stink eye, which I took as an acceptance on his behalf. Stink-eye-McGee has long since been sent packing, and I am plotting my next move.
3. Justin Timberlake
I have loved him my whole life. Not because of N*Sync, but because of Model Behavior. I knew he was a great actor before all of you. When sexy was lost, he brought it back. I am eternally grateful.
4. Jeff Skinner
I’m pretty sure this might not be allowed, since he is a baby…but I cannot resist his cuteness! His little-boy-smile melts my dark, twisty heart. When he won the Calder, I felt like a proud mother/girlfriend (the age thing makes it a little confusing). Let’s just talk about how cute he is.
Bonus: He meets criteria “c” under Valterri Filppula.
5. Ryan Gosling & Matt Lauria
They are listed together because I would be thrilled to have either blonde-haired, blue-eyed, dream-boat. While I don’t know much about their personalities, I have liked the characters they’ve played in movies/tv-shows. I’m confident that’s enough of a foundation for a lasting marriage. That and their gorgeousness. We wouldn’t even need to talk anyways…
Anyone agree with my list? Have a few they would add?